i'm gutted

That's what P said about leaving and I feel the same.


Last day and my favorite good-bye was this: I taught my favorite student Richard how to give the 'Live Long and Prosper' sign and that is how we said good-bye.

last birthday party and pre-grad

Currently my emotions are constantly fluctuating. I think the reality that I have two weeks left can't sink in most of the time.

Every month we have a birthday party or field trip. It's hard for me to wrap around my head that this was the last one I'll be celebrating with my kids. Anyway, instead of waxing philosophical I'll just post some pictures.

They start them young--learning those Korean pop moves.

Jimmy! He's so cute I want one just like him.

What do I do in a day? Teach, referee, hug, play, discipline, clean... Basically I'm Mary friggin Poppins.

want some cheese with your wine?

Aw, thank you Packers. I owe you one.

Anyway, we went skiing on Thursday. It was a small resort north of Busan called Eden Valley.
In my opinion it was overpriced, but I have never snowboarded before to compare with. Even if I did fall down and it took two hours to get down the slopes, I still had fun!

gwangalli fireworks failed to impress

But in all fairness, I didn't give it a chance. I'd like to see photos from this year, because I became so irritated I left right before the show began.

It was a snowball of negativity for me... I got to Gwangalli at 2 to save a spot on the beach for me and my friends. And I played the waiting game. I didn't really mind. But as time creeps on more and more people showed up. And then a family parks themselves nearly on top of me (calling me a waygook too, which really ticked me off more than anything...)

And so as I'm sitting there, I am stewing. I don't know why I let it get to me so badly today. It's something I usually brush off. But as I scan the crowd for any sign of my friends, I notice that when I spot a foreigner (yes, a waygook) they are always a couple. Or in a large group. And so I think the root of this all is I felt lonely.
Yes, I chose to head out by myself to claim a spot. But the few people I know were going later to the show and I did not want to risk not getting a good spot. Even my old coworkers told me, "You've gotta see the Gwangalli fireworks. It's amazing. But get there really early to get a spot."

I just feel like... I'm such a freak. All I saw were couples. If you don't come here with someone then you are a guy and guys hook up with Korean girls almost immediately. And I'm a single American female. The odds are stacked against me.
Why should it matter? It doesn't usually. I'm more than ready to get back out there, but at the same time I don't think this is the time or the place. And its not so much a relationship I wanted today, but just someone to be with. Like a good friendship. Moving here altered all the ones I forged in San Francisco and it took a toll on me. And when I tried making new ones here, most ended in failure or didn't have enough time to really make a connection.


I digress.
But low, I wait for hours and by 5pm when two of my friends show up the cops will not let them on the beach. I am very irritated now. I have spent hours waiting for what? I get to sit by myself.

Oh! But no. At 6 an ajumma and ajoshi barge right on next to make and start setting up a mat right on top of mine and the people around me. But lo, was this the worst thing? No.
The old woman LITERALLY, and I mean LITERALLY sits on me while she's throwing her mat down. I am sitting on the ground and she plops down on top of my shoulder.

And when I yell at her to get off, SHE yells at ME. WTF! I'm sorry, am I in backwards land? Has anyone ever been sat upon by a total stranger? Do you not feel that I was within my rights to tell the old bitch to get the hell off of me? And she gets aggressive with me? Alas, who will win the fight? The local or the foreigner? In a sea of Koreans, I had no chance by making a scene.

It was shockingly rude, even by my Korean standards, and so I had enough. They pushed me into the corner of my mat, (Nobody puts Baby in the corner!) so I walked off. I left my mat, which sucks because I hang that on my wall for decoration. And it was a nightmare leaving, just hordes of shoving, impatient people and it was definitely not my scene.

I have counted how many times I wanted to get the hell out of Korea. It is now 4. Tonight was one of them.

Don't get me wrong. I have had plenty of positive experiences in Korea. Tonight doesn't make me hate the country. Yeah. I got sat upon. But for every bad encounter I have met many wonderful Koreans that more than make up for it. Example, today the family next to me had two little girls that, when they saw me, spoke to each other only in English. They were fluent too.
"Excuse me Minjee," said one, "but may I have my shovel please? I want to make a lemonade stand."

But I want to belong somewhere. And I really wanted to leave tonight. The problem is... I don't know where to go. The place where I was born is the last place I want to go now. I've decided to never live there again. And the city where I blossomed is now a place that I feel is no longer suited for me.

If you don't belong to a place, you belong to a person.

I have neither.

So I just want to go. Go and search.

But for tonight I will geek out and play games. Here's hoping for a better tomorrow.

breathe in breath out

There will be other falls. Trees will still lose their leaves next year. There will be new places to explore. There will be other seasons too; better summers and better winters. But Fall is always my special time. I want to fall in love, smell the autumn air, discover new places now. I have always loved you Fall. I need to remember that.

There will be more people. Different people. Better people. (Maybe worse! But I've learned what to do in those cases now, right?)

Sometimes I forget. It seems like time here is both interminable and yet it is also flying by. At the moment I feel like this is all there is and will be. Sometimes I want my time here to be over, and sometimes I don't want to leave.

7 months in Korea.

It's...

boy's night out

It is extremely difficult being the only female on a boy's night out. I am completely unaccustomed to such crassness. Ugh, sometimes I wish they'd remember was a girl and treat me like it, but I came along of my own free will! So if I hated it I could have left.

But I think it's worth getting out of my comfort zone and doing some male bonding (within reason). I've got a new perspective and understanding on the male species.

J.J*.... you are a huge asshole. And you totally admit it. But I like your honesty. It's brutal. And it's coming from a scumbag, yet I still respect it. Your ex advice was really sound. Thanks man. I never looked at things the way J.J. did.

And thanks P. and Hat. I'm really sad you're leaving P. P gave me a great pep talk. Also, he offered to punch someone's face in. You're aces, kid. The best Brit I've met, nay, will ever meet. You guys were worth the slight hangover at work today.

*names have been changed, like always

memories resurface

Summer makes me wistful.

But at least now I am breaking my own heart.





It's been a very long winter this year.

mom's touch of AWESOME

I made hamburgers for dinner and while I was cooking a Canadian cooking show came on the TV (subtitled into Korean, but who cares?! I love cooking shows).

Grabbed some fries at this place Mom's Touch behind my apartment for a side. You know what's wicked? The ajumma gave me my fries in a cup, which she put in another larger cup that was filled with ice and soda. It is like the coolest thing that came from fast food EVER, and all for 2,000 won.



Served with Heinz. You will never be able to take all the Pittsburgh out of me, and my devotion to Heinz is proof of this.


Life is awesome.

And I'm choosing to be happy.

it must be done

This bitch has got some growing up to do.

moments of calm in a sea of dread

I got rushed to the doctor's right in the middle of class today. I was in a lot of pain and thought it may have been my appendix.

I am alright, still hurts quite a bit. I'm not sure what's going on.

But I returned to class to finish up my lessons, a little girl came up to me and placed a band-aid on my arm and said, "Teacher.... okay?"

If only that could heal everything. <3

can i tell you a secret?

You know what I just realized tonight?

I am happy.

There have been a lot of sad times lately, and yes, I have been sad. And I've grieved.

But I just realized that my life right now is great. So much better than before. I have a job I like, people that make me laugh are around me, I'm pursuing a dream I've always had and as long as I keep my focus, I can attain it. I'm in a position a hell of a lot better than many other people that I know. There is nothing more that I want right now.


There is nothing better than this. And times will probably get rough again, but I've realized something else.




I accept that I can't stop feeling some things. But what I can do is let it go. Just let things go.

I may not be deliriously and utterly happy, but I am happy. And content.

they don't write books on how to be less awkward

In college Ja Ha once said to me, "T. you make things unnecessarily awkward." And to make matters worse, when I relayed this to my roommate, he concurred.

But it's true. You can't hide what's on the inside!

Unfortunately, moving overseas really exaggerates this characteristic in me. There have been plenty of moments where the air is just thick with an atmosphere where you really just want to squirm away from. This language barrier... Guh, let me tell you. I mean, really, when I tell you I don't speak any Korean, why do you go on for ten minutes in nothing but Korean???!?! AWKWARD.

empowerment

The more I live life and learn about the world, the more I realize that sometimes the best way to live, and often my only option, is to do everything on my own.